One of my grandest pet peeves is...

CLOSE STALLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most of you ladies will know what this means without me saying another word.  But for those of you fortunate enough not to be bothered by this (read: men), allow me to explain.

You go into a public bathroom.  There are 5 stalls, all available.  You pick the one closest to the door, close the stall door behind you and set about what you set about.  Seconds later, the bathroom door opens and closes and now you're not alone.  Despite ALL other stalls being open, including ones far away from you, this daft cow chooses the one RIGHT. BESIDE.YOU.  You have just been close stalled.

There's even a website which suggests not doing it.  I kid you not.  But still - happens ALL.THE.TIME. to me!!!!

I don't understand WHY.  What is the logic here?  Does she want to make sure she hears me clearly enough, or that I hear her?  Is she afraid her stall will be out of TP and she won't have me to rely on for 'spare a square' if she's too far away?  Am I unknowingly in her favorite stall so choosing the closest one to me is her way of making me pay?  Are the other ones too far for her lazy, fat ass to walk?  Seriously.  These things all cross my mind in that moment.  At the same time that my middle finger oddly finds its way into the air.  Sure, it's behind a stall wall but it makes me feel better for a fleeting moment anyway. 

The only way I know to exact any revenge against the offending cow - and feel free to steal my idea, ladies - is to get up before her and make sure my stall door slams against her stall wall as I exit.  I live in the hope that it made her jump and exclaim 'Holy balls!' to herself.  But that is probably wishful thinking.  I've had some other close stall haters tell me that they proceed to barrage the room with as many gross sounding noises as they can manage in a two minute period (I'll let your imagination run away with that!).  They are WAY braver - not to mention less modest - than I am, clearly.

By the by, the only excuses acceptable for close stalling is you have no other stalls available, either due to use or nastiness.  Those are the only reasons I have ever close stalled.  Beyond that, there IS no excuse for it.  Of all the rooms in a public building, this is the one where a tad bit of privacy is sacred -- or so one would think.  Oh yes, Emily will be brought up properly in this regard.  Mark my words.

So next time you go into a public bathroom, think of me, the close stall hater - and make sure you are not a perpetrator.  Some random chick behind a wall may just thank you.

PS - took a potty break after writing this and guess what?  Yep - close stalled!  By some bitch in flip flops (since when are they appropriate as 'business casual'????)...